Finding oneself

It has been a hot mess since I last posted. I told myself I was going to post once a week at least and I am sorry I have not followed through with that. Self doubt crept up on me and so much has been going on, I let it break me.

I am sadly no longer with the Cocoa Exchange and that is honestly ok. I realized I need time to work on me and better my inner self. I have posted before that I struggle with self doubt. I am getting better at that but there are times it still kicks in.  Some of it comes with how I view myself.

I have let myself go. I wear jeans and a tshirt every day- I am ashamed of my body and cover- My health sucks- I am tired of being a frumpy mom. I know- I am not- my kids and my hubby tell me that daily. And I may sound vain- but I need to work on my health and my outward appearance. So I started working out.

I seriously had no idea my stomach muscles still existed! Seriously I hurt. I do 15 minutes on an eliptical, 10 semi squats (I say semi because I struggle with them) 10 semi lunges (again I struggle- don’t judge) 10 sit ups (although I did 20 yesterday- and I suck at those too lol) and about 30 seconds plank.  My goal is to keep increasing those each week. So next monday I want to up to 20 minutes eliptical – 15- 15- 25 and 45 seconds. My big picture goal is to drop 50lbs at least- and go from a size 14 to a size 8 at least. And it isn’t just for looks. I have hypertension and I hate medication- I want to stop taking it and living healthy and being able to keep up with my cross country running kiddos.

I also would like to get back to meal planning- but sadly I am working nights no matter how often I ask to be put back on days ( I was hired to manage the coffee shop portion of a restuarant but was put on night shifts) I am stuck on nights- and that makes cooking dinner hard. Maybe I will start making dinners for lunches and the kids and hubs can have the left overs for dinners.

I usually say I am going to do these things and the let the self doubt creep in- let the “I can’ts” win and give up. But this time I really need to stay focused and stay on top of it. I need to do this for myself and my family. Maybe next week I will even post a picture so we could do a before and after.

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